The Chronicles of Closet Twihards
by Constantia
Summary: A series of one-shots about Closet Twihards with guest appearances by RPattz! Includes sex, scandal, and secret missions!
1. EPISODE I: MASTURBATING WITH POPSICLES

This is rated MT: for mature Twihard audiences only.

A/N:

We, the authors of this absurdity, do not own Twilight, Robert Pattinson (although we wish we did), The Vamp (literally and figuratively), or any other recognizable products in this story. However, we do own a Robert Pattinson DVD collection, and a series of other Twihard necessities that we will not admit to owning because…

We are still in the Twihard closet.

So, we would like to dedicate this, the first edition in our series, to all the closet-Twihards out there.

ALSO we understand that all Twihards out there are not Vamp using TwiHARDS. It's just a ridiculous story idea we got while having a lengthily discussion on how sorry we felt for RPattz.

(This story has already been posted both under imperial violet's fanfiction account as well as on . It is being posted here for easier access via Constantia's account.)

Please do not be offended, only enjoy,

Constantia & imperial violets

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE I: MASTURBATING WITH POPSICLES**

I crawled over the vampire themed gift bags, pushed aside the life-size cutout of Edward Cullen, and parted the sea of Twilight themed balloons before I found the elevator's 'door close' button. I had just planned, partaken in, and packed up the most humiliating bridal shower known to man. I spent most of my time sitting at the 'Alice' table trying to look superior to the room of Twihards that were dancing around gushing over 'Team Edward' thongs and 'I love boys who sparkle!' tank tops. I could tell the hotel staff thought we were all completely insane. All the while all I could think of was the Twilight fanfic I had been reading religiously and how I could get away to read the update without anyone finding out what I was up to. I had denied being a Twifan to all the other bridesmaids, and told myself that fanfics didn't count since I only read the AU-Human anyway. I had yet to come out of the Twihard-closet.

I began pressing the 'close door' button, but nothing happened. Why do these buttons even exist if they never work on demand? Lugging this stuff up to Julie's room is mortifying enough, being in the elevator with someone else would make me post a FML blogg. I checked over the shoulder of the Edward Cullen cut out, the open doors had me second-guessing that I was pressing the right button. I breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator doors began to close; I had been about to start punching the goddamn button. But, before they could meet, the doors were forced open again by some asswipe who stuck their hand in.

Now I was pissed. Not only did I now have to relocate the stupid button that supposedly told the stupid doors to close but I also had to share the elevator with the largest collection of sparkling vampire paraphernalia known to man and some fucktard who was in too much of a hurry to wait for an elevator with more than a square foot of unoccupied space. People can be such frustrating asses.

I threw aside the nearest bundle of balloons totally prepared to cuss out the douchebag that decided to squeeze into _my_ elevator when I stopped dead in my tracks as I remembered the FML promise. I looked around and grabbed the nearest gift bag that had Edward's face plastered across it and made my best attempt at hiding behind it.

That was when the 'asswipe' turned around and saw all my glorious merchandise and me for the first time. His immediate reaction was only too appropriate.

"Shit."

Of all people to sneak into my elevator while I look like an obsessive fan girl it had to be Robert Pattinson! Why did the Twigods hate me! Just then, the elevator lurched to a stand still. The humiliation was only going to continue. It was my turn to apropos the situation.

"Shit."

I slowly lowered the bag to try and discreetly glance overtop of it. I was hoping the man pressed up against the wall of the elevator was only a hallucination brought on by my seemingly never ending Twilight filled day. But, I was not that lucky. I was _not_ hallucinating. I was definitely not dreaming either since one of the gift bags slipped from my hand, landing heavily on my foot causing me to cry out in pain.

I watched as Rob flinched away from my outburst, whipped out his iPhone and began furiously texting while cowering in the corner from the assumed Twihard fan.

I gave up my attempt at hiding, dropped everything from my arms, and slunk down the wall to plant my ass on the floor.

"They're not mine," I heard myself say.

"Right," He responded without bothering to look up from his iPhone.

"Fuck my life."

"What did you say?" He asked a bit confused, as if he should be saying my last statement.

"You heard me," I said staring at the elevator button board too pissed off at this point to be polite. "Like I said, it's not mine. So don't flatter yourself."

He mumbled something incoherently and sat down next to me a little more relaxed. I decided I should keep up the indifferent mean girl act as it puts this delicious smelling god at ease.

Rob's phone chimed and he quickly checked it.

"We should be moving again in a few minutes if we're lucky," He stated.

I just nodded.

We sat there for what seemed like eons with only my muttered cursing breaking the awkward silence. There I was, stuck in a fucking elevator with RPattz sitting right next to me and I couldn't say shit for fear of scaring him and/or embarrassing myself further since I had enough twilight memorabilia to open up a very profitable merchandise table at the next Comic Con.

My phone started ringing. I cursed myself as Rob Pattinson's Never Think ring tone played from somewhere in the scattered heap of twilightedness. Instead of trying to locate my purse to answer my call I just sat there lightly banging the back of my head against the wall.

"Is the phone yours?" He asked chuckling to himself.

Shit, all my efforts to prove that I was not some lunatic Twihard fangirl were slowly dissipating. Stupid bride-to-be had to reprogram my ring tones.

"The phone is mine. The ring tone on the other hand isn't, that was recently programmed by your biggest fan and worst fangirl nightmare," I replied, as I wished for the call to hurry up and go to voicemail.

"Are you going to answer that?" He asked hesitantly.

"No! I'm not in the mood to speak with the person that got me into this ridiculous predicament not to mention this ridiculous shirt."

Rob and I sat in silence for a moment as we both waited for the call to finally go to voicemail.

It felt wrong to disturb the quiet of the elevator. I was still embarrassed while Rob on the other hand seemed much more at ease.

"You must be team Jacob then."

"No!"

It was only after my outburst that I realized I had just virtually admitted my love for both him and the perfect, sparkling vampire he portrayed. I made a mental note: if I ever found myself in the presence of Rob Pattinson again, I would run away as fast as possible. Until then, there was no way I was crawling into the hole I had dug myself without putting up a fight.

"Jacob, although a crucial and lovable secondary character, is nothing compared the passionate and at times stimulating hero that is found in Edward Cullen."

"So you find me stimulating?"

"No. Edward Cullen. At times. Other times he portrays a very possessive and dominating boyfriend that many psychologists view as abusive."

"Touché."

You got that right, I thought to myself as I started a little mental happy dance. However, the dancing came to a stop as the painful silence began to take over yet again.

"What do you think of me?" He asked softly, making me jump and pulling me out of my self-satisfied state. He had even moved closer to me. _Gulp!_

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"What do you think of me? Am I at least better than Daniel Radcliff?" He asked shyly.

"Daniel Radcliff has nothing on you," I sighed inwardly.

"Aha!" He turned, with his finger pointed at me.

I guess that was an outward sigh. _Shit._ I had to stop doing that. The minute I got out of the hole I had dug with my lack of verbal editing, I managed to dig a deeper one right next to it. I decided not to bite again and stayed quiet.

He decided that my silence was only a confirmation to his assumption.

"So you are a fan. You do like me," He stated.

I was a smart girl. I could deflect that statement. There was no way I was having Rob think of me as a crazy Twihard fangirl.

"Any one can admire your work in film, as you are a very talented and versatile actor, who is capable of playing many diverse roles."

"Including a vampire?" He asked teasingly.

"It's not your finest work… but yes."

"I see. And just how many of these diverse roles have you seen me play?"

Oh. My. God! Would it have been remotely possible for RPattz to stop using that sex voice of his? It was not helping me keep my poise.

"That is not relevant," I replied. He was not going to break me.

"I beg to differ," He whispered in my ear.

I leaned away from him, as he was too close. And the sexy bastard had the nerve to smirk. It was time for me to take it to the next level.

"Watch it, you giddy medieval-mullet sporting prince!"

"Hey, I take offense to that, it was one of my first films. I had to start somewhere," He stated. His faux frown left his face and begun smirking again. "But, at least you answered my question. _Fangirl_."

"No I'm not!"

I was not coming out of the Twihard closet in front of _Robert Pattinson_!

"Come on! Team Edward. Sword of Xanten reference. You. Are. A. Fangirl!"

"I. Am. Not. A. Fangirl."

"Sure," He began laughing. "What do you base that on?"

"I for one do not masturbate with popsicles to have a sexual Edward Cullen experience."

His face fell. I had finally managed to wipe that dashing grin from his face.

"Twihards do not do that," He said barely in a whisper, as the color drained from his face from shock. Now it was my turn to laugh.

"Yes they do. In fact it's common enough that they have begun creating certain adult toys," I said suggestively.

"No!"

"Yes!"

I begun shuffling through the pile of gifts and found what I was looking for. I took it out and presented it to sweet innocent Rob, who had no idea what was coming to him.

"Rob, please let me introduce you to _The Vamp_. Six-point-seven-five inches of pure Edward Cullen pleasure. Chill it in the fridge for a true vampire experience. Did I mention that it sparkles in the sun?"

"Where did you get that?" He asked in an accusatory tone, while discreetly attempting to move away from me.

The distance put a slight sting in my heart. Maybe I had been too harsh. I understood that I had to respond before my Patty-cakes believed it was mine.

"That was a specific gift request from the Twihard/fangirl bride-to-be. You should have seen how many blackberries and iPhones came out when the guests realized it was only available online for a limited time."

Just then the elevator began to move again, taking us to the designated floor. I was disappointed that we would soon be parting ways.

"I should put this back. Julie was looking forward to using it tonight, that's probably why she was calling earlier."

I collected the mountain of Twigifts and waited for the elevator to stop on my floor.

"Oh and thank you for answering my question," I said as the doors opened.

"You never asked me a question."

"Didn't have to, the fact that you didn't rebut the length of The Vamp answered it for me."

I left the elevator, satisfied with the befuddled expression left on Rob's pretty face. Halfway down the hallway I glanced back, and noticed he was holding the elevator door open watching me like a kid who's been told that monsters do exist.

I gave him a sympathetic smile. I was about to turn around when to my horror my cell phone began to chime, playing my general ring tone 'Chokin' On the Dust'.

He stared at me questioningly.

Eh, what the fuck? I had to come out of the Twihard closet eventually.

"Now _that_ is mine."

"I knew it!" He fell back into the elevator and the doors closed on his thunderous laughter.

A/N:

PLEASE REVIEW!

If you don't we will know you're a Vampurbator!

We are review whores and promise it will take us twice as long to get the next story out if you don't tell us what you think!

The Chronicles of Closet Twihard will return in Episode II: Been Caught Reading


	2. EPISODE II: BEEN CAUGHT READING

A/N:

Imperial violets and I would like to shout a huge thank you from the rooftops to everyone that reviewed Episode 1!! (whether they did so here or somewhere else this story is posted)

Also please check out our other stories, they are a little different, but you just might enjoy them.

This story is based on real, but over exaggerated accounts at the bookstore. Whose accounts? We will not tell!

In the endnotes you will find the title of Episode III, so please read and review. The more reviews we get the faster we will post our next episode.

Constantia & imperial violets

We don't not own any of the books mentioned in this story, they belong to the respected authors. But, we do own Velvet McDazzle, hypothetically of course.

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS EPISODE II: BEEN CAUGHT READING**

I am your average woman. I buy two percent milk, like to sing in the shower (and only in the shower), and I hate junk mail. I had already gone through fifteen facebook updates, two emails from my mother, three author updates from , and a message about finding my soul mate with the new and vastly improved datenet. All of which was incredibly uneventful. Now, the only email left unread in my inbox was from Chapters.

Usually I skim over their emails to see if there were any special offers, and then delete them from my inbox, but today was different. In large capital letters in the subject box of the email were the words 'BREAKING DAWN SPECIAL EDITION'. Now, I already had a copy of _Breaking Dawn_ but not a _special edition_. My Twi-senses started tingling and all I could think of was a trip to the bookstore and my faithful motto '_teacher's discount_'.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I pulled open the front door with my shoulders back and my head held high. _I love the smell of books in the morning._ I walked in and stood by the entrance where I could see all the labeled categories and stacks of books. I knew I would find _Breaking Dawn_ in the teen fiction section where they pilled what seemed like hundreds of _Twilight Saga_ books on a single table. Now I needed a game plan. I never made my way into the teen fiction section without one. We English teachers had to maintain our rep.

Normally I would pass through the new fiction section on my way to the teen fiction and then quickly make my way over to the biographies. During this time I would had picked up not only Stephanie Meyer's latest guilty pleasure novel, but a sophisticated looking, award winning, thought provoking novel based on some kind of historical event that makes me look intelligent and stuck up by simply reading the back cover. I still hadn't admitted to being a Twihard and could not bring myself to face the cashiers with a Twilight book in hand if I didn't at least have a literary classic in the other.

As I began my usual route through 'New Fiction' someone caught my eye. Reading the synopsis of _The Life of Pi _next to the cheesy 'No Vampires Aloud' table was Wendy- the head of the English department at the high school where I worked. She was standing there, intensely still, directly between the teen fiction and me. There was no way I could continue on this path without her noticing me. She was already beginning to put down the book.

My body reacted before my mind could process the movement. Before Wendy had looked up from her book I had done a 180 and was headed straight for 'Sci-Fi/Horror'. It was time for 'Plan B', if only I knew what that was.

I rounded the corner and there in front of me crouched, on the ground going through the _Excalibur_ series was Noah: The too good to be true hottie and date from two nights ago. The disappointment hit me hard as I was going to call him tomorrow night and see if he wanted to catch a movie, but now - seeing him in track pants, Birkenstocks, and a stack of Merlin themed books - I knew I couldn't see him again without the fear of being asked to go to the next Fan Expo. I only went to those things by myself with no one's knowledge. He really was too good to be true.

Before he noticed me I quickly made it to the next aisle and found myself in the Erotica section. Seeing as I would now remain dateless for the next little while I decided I might need something to keep me company late at night.

I found the second installment to Anne rice's _The Claiming of Beauty Trilogy, Beauty's Punishment. _Although the first one had a little too much pony play for my taste, I had to admit that the nights I read from it kept me in a post orgasmic stupor for the next few days. I grabbed the book, as it was now time to get the Breaking Dawn special addition and get the hell out of here.

To avoid bumping into Noah I detoured through the Romance section and peered around the corner to see if Wendy was still browsing through the new fiction paperbacks. _Shit_. She hadn't moved from her spot. I was on a mission now. I knew I had to go around the bookstore in order to get passed her undetected. Time was of the essence as there were only twelve hours left to read if I were to go to sleep at a reasonable time and two of those hours were reserved for the Anne Rice book.

I walked along the farthest wall of the store, made my way up the few steps at the back of the store, and continued along the back wall of the Non Fiction section. Before I made it to the ramp that led to the Children's books I found myself in the Arts and Entertainment area walking towards a smiling RPattz cover photo on the latest unauthorized Rob Pattinson biography.

I quickly looked over both shoulders and surveyed my surroundings. _Alone at last!_ I kept a steady pace and without stopping I grabbed the first book on display and stuck RPattz amongst my pile while continuing to the Children Section.

I was preoccupied with recalculating my schedule to allow myself to go through the Rob Pattinson book before taking pleasure with another. I didn't notice the gaggle of female students, my students, at the 'Bella's reading list' table. At the last moment before, they could spot me; I made a quick escape with a sharp turn to right only to find Wendy three feet away with her back towards me. I was being ambushed!

My only choice left was to hide and take cover. So, before anyone took notice of me, I ran forward and ducked under a table. To my utter surprise and joy, not only had I made it to the teen section; I had sought shelter at the _Twilight_ table.

Crouched under the table, my cheek pressed to the cover of a _New Moon _book, and my left arm sandwiched between my thigh and the ground I began searching through the stack of books beneath the table for the special addition of _Breaking Dawn_.

It felt hopeless. No matter ho hard I searched, every book I picked up had _New Moon_ plastered across the front. _No bookstore needs that many copies of New Moon!_ But I was not going to give up. Not after I had come this far. _For the love of Twilight! I was curled up under a table in Chapters like a hermit crab! _I hunted through the plethora of _New Moon_ Books and finally I spotted one of the stores last copies of the _Breaking Dawn Special Addition_ placed haphazardly on the corner of the neighboring table.

If I were to come out from under the table I would reveal myself to my students or Wendy and that was out of the question. So I did what any other closet Twihard would do. I carefully leaned over the pile I had made in the midst of my hunt and reached across the small aisle between the two tables in an attempt to grab the book. Any normal passerby would have found the disembodied arm in the aisle, should they have guessed my hiding place, somewhat pathetic.

My fingers were only a few inches from the spine and the overwhelming feeling of triumph was beginning to take hold. I was so close. That is until a wandering toddler from the children's area saw me reaching for it and grabbed it for himself before he ran off.

_Shit!_

I took a deep breath. I just needed to follow him. Eventually he would put the book down or his mother, wherever she was, would finally take notice by getting her nose out of her book and take it away from him.

"Can I help you find anything Miss?" said a velvety voice from behind me.

_So that's what velvet sounds like… and it called me Miss, not ma'am_!

Unfortunately, the voice startled me and instead of gracefully getting up, it caused me to jump and hit my head on the table. To make matters worse the impact made me bite the tip of my tongue.

"Are you okay?"

"I'b gud."

As I stood up and allowed my eyes to refocus the man with the velvet voice was slowly revealed. He had nothing on Rob Pattinson, but he was close. Before I had a chance to ogle him and flirt shamelessly, a tiny terror skittered past in my peripheral vision.

"I got all I need for today."

He glanced down at my selection and gave me a knowing smile. It took me a while to register what he was smiling at; I looked down at my collection of books. _Of all the fucking days to casually meet someone! _

"Have yourself a good day then."

I turned around as McDazzle watched me and walked in the direction of the pintsized book thief.

I tried to focus on the task at hand and ignored the embarrassment that was coming over me. After a few rows of shelves and peaking under a couple of tables I found Klepto-Kid and inconspicuously began to follow him.

How appropriate I thought to my self, as I stalked the little boy that had my book, he was wearing a blue lamb patterned thermal shirt. I followed him to where the bargain books were and watched him approach his mother, who was reading _OK_ magazine.

My heart fell slightly; I knew I shouldn't believe the front cover that had Rob Pattinson with Kristen Stuart on it. The captioned read 'Wedding of the year.' _OK_ was the only Tabloid magazine that ran this story, so it couldn't be true, right?

"Honey can I please have that."

The mother's voice brought me out of my reverie. Finally the mother would take the book away, scold the little brat, and throw the book down on the surface nearest her. I had already decided there was no way this woman had any respect for bookstores. Who goes to Chapters only to stand around and read _OK_? Then I could snag it and get the hell out of here.

I calmly flipped through a cookbook and watched the mother from the corner of my eye take the book from the brat. It would only be seconds before she put the book down and it would be mine.

To my horror she began going through it. This was not good. Then she started looking around. I knew where this was going, I did that plenty of times myself. Before I knew it, she had tucked my book under her arm and walked away.

"Time to go, honey." She called out to her evil book-thieving son.

My shoulders fell as I admitted defeat. Today was not my day to get the book. I would have to order the book off the Internet and wait. I was disappointed as all my efforts to get the book were in vain.

I slowly turned around and proceeded to the checkout as something caught my eye on the shelf across from me. _Hello!_ There sitting by its lonesome self was the _Breaking Dawn Special Addition_. I made a beeline right for it and grabbed it before anyone else had a chance to take it away from me.

"Found what you were looking for?" said a familiar voice as I took the book.

It was Velvet McDazzle, the almost-as-hot-as-RPattz Chapter employee. I had to save face. I would not allow this man to classify me as a Twihard.

"Actually can you tell me where I can find wrapping paper and a birthday card?" I said as he studied me suspiciously.

My phone chimed and I checked to caller ID. Perfect! Heather was calling me, now I could put my real talent to use.

"Hey Heather," I said as I gave Velvet McDazzle an impish smile.

Heather was going on about some date from hell, but I ignored her and continued.

"Yeah, I know I'm running late. I just have to find a card for Steph and I'll be right there." I looked up to see his eyes falter and look apologetic. If only he knew.

Heather got the hint and remained silent for me. "I'll see you soon, bye." I put the phone back in my purse.

"I'm sorry, I thought… Never mind, just follow me."

I followed Velvet McDazzle's almost-as-hot-as-Rpattz ass to the card section and gave me a bookmark before he left. Not only did he believe my lie, but I also scored his name and number.

With a triumphant smile I made my way over to the check-out with the RPattz biography, Breaking Dawn Special Edition, Beauty's Punishment, a bookmark, Polka dot wrapping paper, a 'Happy 16th Birthday' card, McDazzle's (or should I say Chris') phone number, and my pride intact.

A/N:

What do you think? Let us know by leaving a review.

For those who are disappointed of Rob Pattinson not making an appearance in this episode, do not fret. He will be in the next one, we promise.

The Chronicles of Closet Twihards will return in Episode III: Searching for Bobby Dupea.


	3. EPISODE III: SEARCHING FOR BOBBY DUPEA

A/N:

Thank you for any reviews, we hope that you have been enjoy The Chronicles so far.

Constantia & imperial violets

Now, on to Episode III.

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE III: SEARCHING FOR BOBBY DUPEA**

Back in September, Constantia and I met a traveler visiting our area and she told us of her story. Not only did we not have the heart to tell her the truth, we also didn't have the courage to come out of the closet and reveal ourselves for the Twihards we are by explaining that RPattz and Bobby Dupea are the same person.

Unlike us, she has not been caught up in the Twilight pandemonium so it would have been difficult to explain her predicament. Instead, we decided to help her case by posting her story and letting you know what happened between RPatts and her.

At the end of the story she left us an email so she may be contacted about any sightings of Bobby Dupea. Please do not burst her bubble, as she is in love with Bobby and not Rob, and the last thing she needs is a broken heart when she realizes that Rob has already moved on.

If she at any point in time does find Bobby again, there is a possibility that whatever they shared may be rekindled again, but it could only be done through the help of all closet Twihards out there.

So without further ado, we would like to present you with:

SEARCHING FOR BOBBY DUPEA

This past summer I decided to backpack through Europe. For six weeks my travels took me through France, Switzerland, Austria, Czech Republic, Germany and Denmark. I decided that the remainder of my two weeks in Europe would be best spent in London.

It was the best decision I had ever made, because there I met the man of my dreams, a handsome bronzed hair musician by the name of Bobby Dupea.

This is my story:

It was a dark and stormy night as I rushed madly through the backstreets of London, uselessly clutching a newspaper over my head in an attempt to shield myself from the pouring rain. I ran not knowing which was the way back to the inn when I spotted a small pub on the corner; its windows filled with a warm light. Feeling more and more like Janet heading towards Dr. Frank-N-Furter's mansion, I made my way up to the door of the pub.

The warmth of the small room slowly made its way through my body as I pulled the door open. I didn't realize how cold I had actually become in the midst of my panic. I decided that as long as it was raining, and as long as I was lost, it wouldn't do me any harm to stay a while and have a drink.

What kind of backpacking trip would this be if I didn't stop into some little British pubs and drink with large men speaking in cockney accents? My soul searching had taken me across an ocean and now it was taking me into this little pub in the backstreets of London. Who knew? Maybe this was where I would find what I was looking for?

"That won't do you much good round here, Miss," a deep, rough voice said.

I turned to see a short, round faced man with a bright red nose looking up at me. He was motioning to the newspaper I was still holding over my head.

"Oh, right. Um, I forgot I was holding onto this," I said.

"You look as though you could use a drink. We'll get you one," he said with a smile while motioning me to follow, "Please, take a seat at the bar. You look as though you could use one."

"Thank you," I said, giving him a tired smile of gratitude.

"No need for thanks," he said as he led me to the bar, "as the owner of this fine establishment I decided that any weary traveler that walks through my door deserves a drink on the house. And tonight that would you be you, Miss. I'm Henry, by the way," he said, offering me a handshake as he introduced himself and pulled out a bar stool out for me.

I had yet to look around the pub and, once I had taken my seat between Henry, and another man with large glasses, I took a moment to do so.

The pub was busier than I had expected and it had a surprising number of young people for such a mature looking pub. I considered going over and introducing myself but I found that I didn't want to leave Henry, the kind owner of the pub who had already offered and ordered me a drink.

"You're just in time for Bobby."

"What?" I asked, wondering if I should know Bobby or if this man was confusing me for someone else.

"He sings 'n plays here sometimes. You're just in time to see him."

"Oh, that's nice," I wasn't quite sure what to say to him. I didn't know what kind of music you would find in a pub such as this. "Would I have heard of him?"

"Well, you haven't heard of Bobby. But you might have heard of him."

I decided not to push the issue any further since, honestly, I wasn't really interested in whatever small time, local guy was playing tonight anyway. Instead, I thanked the bartender for the Guinness he brought over and turned around on my stool as I heard the sound of a guitar being tuned and a crowd hushing into silence.

In the back corner of the pub, there was a small stage not more than two feet of the ground. The lights were still dimmed, but I managed to make out the silhouette of a tall, slim man holding a guitar, sitting on chair set up on stage.

The silhouette adjusted the microphone, and I watched him pick up a pint glass of the floor beside him and take a sip of the brew before he gently cleared his throat.

"Good evening," he spoke into the microphone, with a tone of humbled dignity, as lights brightened on the stage taking him out of the shadows and revealing the most attractive man I had ever seen in my life.

The small crowd up front began to cheer and Henry whistled loudly, but all that noise was drowned out by the rapid, hard beat of my heart. It felt as though my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and follow him wherever he went.

"How are you doing tonight?" He continued.

His voice was smooth, gentle, and warm. It felt as though I was being cloaked with velvet. He also spoke the queens English, not the cockney that I have been accustomed to for the past several days. My reaction to hearing him speak made me wonder what would happen when he would start ton sing. I thought I would melt into a puddle and that would be the end of me.

"That young chap has a way of charming the ladies, and it looks to me that you're fair game as well," Henry said to me when he noticed my reaction and he chuckled quietly to himself

It sounded to me as though Henry was in some far off place. All I could see or hear was Bobby tuning his guitar and introducing his first song.

"This song is called, I Was Broken."

I imagined he was singing for me and the rest of the world went away.

His voice was raw and velvety as he made his way through the set of songs. I had never heard any of them before except for, I'll Be Your Lover, Too a Van Morrison cover.

His voice was like a drug. I couldn't get enough of the raw emotions coming through his songs.

About half way through the set Henry leaned in towards me.

"You know, if you'd like to meet Bobby after the show I could introduce you."

My body betrayed me as my eyes opened wide and my mouth dropped open in an obvious sign of my excitement. I will forever be thankful that Henry offered me a drink when I ran into the pub and that I didn't leave him for the younger crowd.

I made an attempt at speech as nonchalantly as I could. "Oh, well, yeah. Sure, if that's okay. I'd love to discuss his music. You know, music…"

Bobby carried on through the other half of his set as I sat there anticipating my introduction.

It was bitter sweet when his set was over. I could have sat there and listened to him sing until the sun came up.

He graciously thanked his audience over their applause and left the stage to pack up.

The crowd in the pub started to thin out and I watched from the bar as he chatted to a few remaining fans. I smiled to myself, when I noticed him running his hand through his hair and smiling shyly anytime a fan complemented him.

Little by little, the remaining crowd made their way out the door or dispersed themselves in small groups around the pub to finish off their drinks.

Henry, at this point, was behind the bar entertaining me with funny stories of past patrons while filling another pint of Guinness for me.

"Make that two, please."

It was Bobby. I felt a blush sweep over me. I was so engrossed in Henry's stories that I didn't realize Bobby finally made his way over to the bar.

He took a seat next to me and Henry introduced us to each other. He also told Bobby an exaggerated account of my arrival, which made me blush again.

Henry set our glasses down and went over to tend to some regulars at the other side of the bar.

"He sure knows how to charm the ladies," Bobby chuckled, while watching and waiting for the foam to finish cascading through the glass.

"Hmm…He said the same about you," I said, trying to suppress a grin as a watched Bobby run a hand through his hair before picking up his ale and turning towards me.

I did the same.

"Cheers," We said in unison.

We clinked glasses and from there we fell into an easy conversation.

I don't know how long we sat there for, talking and laughing, but I knew it was time to go when Henry came to interrupt us, "Sorry kids, but I'm going to have to throw you out. Unlike you, this old man needs to get some sleep."

We both look around and noticed that we were the only ones left.

"Sorry, Henry, we didn't mean to keep you," Bobby said sheepishly.

"No worries," Henry replied.

We said our goodbyes, and I thanked him for the drinks. Before we left Henry made me promise to come back and visit next time I was in London.

I felt a little disappointed that Bobby and I would soon be parting ways and I wish I had more time with him. At least, I could now take my time finding the inn I was staying at since it stopped raining, even though I was dreading it.

"I guess it's time for me to find my way back to the inn," I said sadly, knowing it was time to go our separate ways.

"Where are you staying?" he asked.

I told him were I was staying and to my utter delight he offered to walk me back to the inn.

"I thought Henry was exaggerating when he said you got lost, you really lost your way, you're not even in the right neighbourhood," he said in a teasing manner.

"I'm fond of walking," I replied, a little embarrassed. Though, I was glad that I wandered so far away from the inn. It allowed me to steal some more time with him.

Late night in London was beautiful, especially after a rainfall. The rain left the city with a clean sheen, emphasizing the gleam of the city lights. It made the walk with Bobby back to the inn that much better.

We talked some more as he led the way and sometimes we walked in comfortable silence. But, it didn't last as long as I had thought; we were soon approaching the familiar doors of the inn.

"Well, this is you," he said sadly, as he stopped in front of the inn and turns towards me.

I just nodded glumly, not wanting to say goodbye.

"I had a great time tonight, you're really refreshing," he said.

"Same here," I said giving him a sad smile.

We both stood there, waiting for the other to leave, but neither of us made a move to go. We just didn't want to say goodbye to each other.

Suddenly, a smile crept across his face. I took the liberty of searing that crooked smile into my mind, never wanting to forget it.

"You said that you're staying in London for a few more days before you go back home?"

"Yeah," I answered a little puzzled.

"How about I give you a personal tour of my London before you leave?" he asked.

I beamed. "I would love that." I replied.

He quickly got out his iPhone to program my number, but to his dismay his phone's battery had ran out. Instead, I took out my cell, where he programmed his phone number before returning it back to me.

"Call me tomorrow," he said.

"I will."

"Promise?" he said, looking intently at me.

"I promise," I said, refusing to hide my smile.

He smiled back, "Good. I'll talk to you tomorrow then, goodnight."

Before he left, he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear, "Until tomorrow." Right there and then, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I could have even sworn that he inhaled my scent, before we parted and he went on his merry way.

I stood there, dizzy from our interaction as I watched him walk away. He turned back and wave to me, before he turned the corner and disappearing into the moonlit night.

The next morning I got up and I wanted to call Bobby right away, but I was worried that I would wake him up by calling him so early. Instead, I grabbed a quick breakfast at the inn and decided to take a quick stroll and wait to call Bobby for elevenses. What can I say? I had developed an extreme affection for England.

When I got back to the inn, I knew it was time to call Bobby. I hopped up on my bed and went through my purse, but I couldn't find my cell phone. I noticed that the outside pocket of my purse, where I kept my phone was open.

I panicked and ran around my room in a frenzy, praying that I would find my phone. In a matter of minutes I had turned my room upside down looking in triplicate of all the possible places it could have disappeared to. I realized that I must have fallen out while I was out.

I cursed myself for not calling him earlier that morning, while I retraced my steps of where I took my walk. I knew it was useless my phone was gone. The only hope I had now was if someone had found it and would eventually contact my provider.

I stayed at the inn for the remaining three days waiting for either my cell phone to show up or Bobby since he knew where I was saying. But I knew that whoever had my cell probably kept it for themselves and I had a feeling that Bobby wouldn't show up, he probably thought that the reason I hadn't called was because I wasn't interested.

I left London heartbroken; I never felt anything for a man like that, and probably never will. I really miss him and I hope our paths will cross again and it won't be too late.

So that's my story.

As you may already know, I still haven't located my phone and doubt that I ever will.

I am heart broken that there may be a chance that I will never see him again and before I can accept that fate I will be going back to England soon to have one last chance to try to find him before school starts. In conjunction to this, I am sending out a plea to my fellow writers to help me look for him.

So, please help me in my quest to find Bobby. If any of you out there have any information of where I could find him, please email me at: searchingforbobbydupea(at)hotmail(dot)com. As long as I am getting emails of his possible whereabouts I swear, as god as my witness, I will never stop searching for Bobby Dupea.

A/N:

Please help our new friend find her love by leaving a review and/or replying to her email if you know of his whereabouts.

Sincerely,

Constantia a& imperial violets

The Chronicles of Closet Twihards will return in Episode IV: A Twilight Intervention. "This is the reason I remained in the closet."


	4. EPISODE IV: A TWILIGHTINTERVENTION

A/N:

So, this is has been inspired by several stories that have been revealed to us by my little sister. Unlike us, she spends her time at twilightsucks(dot)com, we secretly spend our time at twilighted(dot)net.

Also, this episode is inspired by A&E's intervention.

We mean no disrespect to people who have done these sort of things or our planning to do it.

Please, please review! It really helps us to write.

Constantia & imperial violets

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE IV: A TWILIGHT-INTERVENTION**

I sat in the visiting lounge by the large ornamental tree that looked like an oversized piece broccoli. My little sister, Jenny, had been staying here for four months now and I made a point of visiting her at least once a week. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to come see her in almost two weeks because of a trip for work. So, for this particular visit, I went baring jellybeans and tabloid magazines; which took an _eternity _to find in the store. It's _so_ hard to find a magazine nowadays with absolutely no mention of Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Twilight, New Moon, Stephanie Meyer, vampires, small towns, or Volvos. You see, the doctors insist that Jenny's connection to the outside world stay very limited. I had to be very careful when choosing something to bring in for her and it had to be looked over by a member of staff before I can even get past the reception desk.

It all started about a year ago when Jenny discovered the Twilight phenomenon…

"_Jenny! Oh my god! I haven't seen you in so long! How is Brendan?"_

"_Oh, Brendan. Yeah, that didn't really work out."_

"_What do you mean: 'that didn't really work out'? You two have been inseparable for months."_

"_I just realized that there is something more out there. Brendan just wasn't it. He wasn't anything like my Edward."_

"_Edward?"_

"_Mmhm."_

"_And you told him that?"_

"_Yep. I told him he was nothing like my Edward and I couldn't be with him anymore."_

At the time, I was completely oblivious to the fact that Edward was a fictional vampire.

Originally, the symptoms were nowhere near as severe and, unfortunately, went completely unnoticed. There was a sudden interest in teen-fiction, a sparkly vampire Halloween costume, and a love of fast cars. All of which could have easily been mistaken for an early mid-life crisis or an aneurism; but I was _not_ so lucky.

Everything began to really get out of hand when the movie came out. Behavior that was only 'quirky' before was now obsessive and inappropriate when out in public…

"_Oh my god!"_

"_What is it? Jenny, where are you going?"_

"_Rob! Rob! I love you!"_

"_Jen, come back! Leave the guy alone!"_

"_Rob! Come back to me! Rob!"_

"_Jenny! There's a cab…"_

"_Rob? Rob!"_

"_Holy shit! Jenny, we should get out of here…"_

As you can very well imagine, that was _not_ a good day.

My parents and I finally decided it had gone too far about eight months ago when she came back from spring break. Normally, people go south for picking up guys or getting a tan. It's like a stepping-stone. But that was not what Jen had in mind…

"_Oh, look at my babies all grown up!"_

"_Hey mom."_

"_Hi!"_

"_So, Jenny, honey, how was your vacation?"_

"_Great! We had an awesome time."_

"_Who is 'we'?" I asked._

"_Oh Jennifer, I didn't know Ashley and Stephanie went with you. How charming."_

"_They didn't, Mom. It was just me and Edward."_

"_What?!" I screeched._

"_Oh, Sweetie. I didn't know you had a boyfriend."_

"_She doesn't, Mom. Edward isn't real. She just carries him around in her pocket."_

"_I do not! Not this time at least."_

"_What do you mean Jenny?" mom asked, sounding confused._

"_He was life-size this time."_

"_Oh my god, Jen. Was he two dimensional too?"_

"_You two girls have me so lost. Where exactly did you go on your trip again Jenny?"_

"_..Forks. It's a little town Edward is familiar with…"_

"_Jenny! Are you shiting me?"_

"_Stop! It was a very nice trip! We went to this cute little Italian restaurant and everything, Mom!"_

"_Please tell me you didn't eat mushroom ravioli."_

"_It wasn't on the menu."_

"_Forks? Sweetie, where is that? I thought you would have gone to Cuba or some other place with your girlfriends."_

"_Would you two stop! I went to Forks with Edward, okay!"_

"_Jenny, honey, I'm sorry to upset you. But, if you don't mind me asking, who is Edward? Did you meet him on the inter-web?"_

After that night my mother and I decided that _something_ had to be done. So, after much research as it took a while to find a place that would facilitate to her addiction, we got Jenny's two closest friends, my father, and a shrink. My mother also invited the pastor from her church for moral support, and we ambushed her in her apartment with a Twilight-intervention.

When we first walked into her apartment it was almost unrecognizable. I hadn't been in here since she first moved in and the pink, floral theme was definitely no longer in effect. Instead, the walls had been painted white and she had gold colored carpeting installed. It was nicely put together with the sleek modern furniture, but it was disturbing, as it resembled Edward's bedroom. She even replaced her antique oak bed with a wrought iron one.

Jenny realized what was happening the minute she got home and wasn't to pleased about it…

"_Please get out."_

"_Jennifer, your family and friends are here to support you in this difficult time. They all want what's best for you."_

"_What difficult time? I've never been happier."_

"_Obviously she has become delusional, this is more severe then I thought," the psychologist whispered to my mother._

"_What's with the baby grand?" I asked._

"_Edward likes to play it."_

"_For fuck sakes Jenny, have you gone insane?"_

_Collective gasps._

Apparently using the swear word in front of the pastor and using the word insane in front of a shrink, who was trying to tame a 'Twihard', wasn't proper protocol. Who knew that they even had a proper 'Twihard' protocol?

Now, I know not to discuss or criticize her mental well being, her progress would slow down and I knew my mother was looking forward to having her daughter back.

Jenny was happy here now, but it was difficult to convince her to join the in patient program at Green Ferns…

"_I'm not going," she deadpanned._

"_Please, Jenny! As your mother, I'm begging you."_

"_What about her?" she said pointing at me. "She's just as much as a Twihard as I am._

"_Twihard?"_

"_It's a term we have adapted for obsessive Twilight fans," the psychologist explained to my mother._

"_Yes, I've read the book, on your recommendation. I didn't care for it that much. I've read better, non-vampire books since then."_

"_Liar!"_

"_I'm not lying."_

"_Mom, she's lying!"_

"_I'm not."_

"_Whether your sister is lying or not, isn't the issue," my father shouted at her. "She has not been dating a fictional character, or lost her job, or flunked out of school, or has been prancing around the west coast with a cardboard cut-out like some lunatic. You are going and that's final!"_

"_But, Daddy."_

"_I said that's final!"_

That night she was brought to Green Ferns Rehabilitation Center, without any more complaints.

We had planned on visiting her the first weekend after her two-week acclimation period, but my mom called with a change of plans…

"_We won't be able to visit your sister this weekend."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Well she had an altercation with another patient at the clinic."_

"_What did she do?"_

"_What makes you think she did something? How can you have so little confidence in your sister?"_

"_Mom!"_

"_She threw a bible at a girl's head and Dr. Carl Mason said that she is refrained to have any visitors this weekend."_

"_A bible?"_

"_Yes, but it was a soft cover. Regardless, she was asking for it. She said that Twilight 'sucks'. It's a good book, you know. And did you know that that girl is a crack addict."_

"_Mom, please tell me you haven't started reading the twilight books."_

"_Well dear, I can't lie. So I won't say anything"_

"_Dear, god!"_

Fortunately, it was only that one weekend that I couldn't see. After that her doctor informed my mother that she had turned a new leaf and was progressing successfully towards rehabilitation.

I was still a little skeptical knowing that my sister was sneaky and probably had something up her sleeve.

Finally after what felt like hours of waiting, my sister pranced into the visitors lounge. I practically did a double take because I hardly recognized her. She had dyed her hair black cut it into a, dare I say it, PIXIE CUT!

"What the fuck?"

"You don't like it?"

"You look like…like…Alice."

"I know. Isn't it great? Dr. Mason thinks so."

"You are supposed to be rehabilitating. This…your hair…Maybe you shouldn't be here."

"Don't say that! I'm doing much better, Dr. Mason even agrees."

"When will I finally meet this Dr. Mason?"

"Actually he's in today. He said that he would like to meet you and that he'd stop by the visitors lounge before dinner. I can't wait for you to meet Carl. He's one of the best doctors they have here on staff. You'll love absolutely love him! Yum, Jelly Bellies! Thanks, you're the best sister. "

"I'm you're only sister."

I sat there, patiently listening to my sister gush about the good doctor. The fact that she was using his first name wasn't lost on me, and it had me really concerned.

"Hello, Jenny. How are you doing this afternoon?"

"Great, Dr. Mason."

"You must be Jenny's sister. Pleased to finally meet you."

"The pleasure is mi…

Well, fuck me. Jenny's doctor looks exactly like Carlisle Cullen, I mean Peter Facinelli, the actor who portrays him. This cannot be good.

Jenny started flirting shamelessly with Dr. Mason and I was beginning to feel like the third wheel, as he did not stop her advances towards him. Watching the two of them interact made me uneasy and I was beginning to suspect that he was aware of the similar physical features he shared Carlisle as well as Jenny's resemblance to Alice. And the fucking name! Carl Mason? I had to get out of there and fast. It was beginning to feel too much like the twilight zone.

"Well, I think I better get going now."

"Oh, okay. I guess I better get back to work as well. I'll see you at tonight's group session Jenny."

"I'll be there with bells on."

"It was nice meeting you."

"Likewise, Dr. Mason."

Jenny ogled his ass as he left, before turning around to me.

"Isn't he wonderful?"

"Jenny, I think…"

"Shut it! I know what you think and I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me a second time by telling mom and dad. I'm very happy here and I don't want you jeopardizing my being here because of your big mouth."

"But, Jenny…"

"I said shut it! Now go, I have to get ready for tonight."

"Fine! I'll see you next week."

"Bring chocolate next Saturday."

"You're fucking insane, just so you know."

"I know. We all are, sis."

As I got into the car, trying to make heads or tails of my visit with my sister I noticed the time. Oh shit, I thought to myself, I was running late for my date with Edwin Collin. His plan was to take me out for dinner and to go see New Moon, _again_. I still had to get ready and change into my 'I'm dazzled' shirt. With that I put my Volvo into gear and sped out of the parking lot.

A/N:

Again, please, please review. Let us know what you think.


	5. EPISODE V:A VERY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE

EPISODE V: A VERY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE

Constantia: First of all I would like to say that imperial violets and I would both like to apologize for not updating in so long.

imperial violets: And also apologize for this _not _being a real story.

Constantia: We will be posting another episode soon, but first we want to share some very important info with all you beloved readers.

imperial violets: SEARCHING FOR BOBBY DUPEA has been an interactive story. The email address available let you readers inform us of RPattz sightings.

Constantia: Since posting the story we have received a series of very interesting and questionable emails.

imperial violets: One in particular peeked our interest. So, we decided to investigate.

Constantia: It appears as though a young Englishman… (Do you see where we are going with this?)

imperial violets: Of course they do!

Constantia: I'm telling the story!

imperial violets: But it's my story to tell! I checked the inbox! I made the account!

Constantia: Fine.

imperial violets: Don't be a sore loser.

Constantia: Fine.

Imperial violets: _Fine._ As I was saying… what was I saying?

Constantia: A young Englishman contacted us.

imperial violets: No, contacted ME.

Constantia: Anyway. He contacted us and we decided to investigate… by replying to the email.

imperial violets: We were very sneaky in our investigation.

Constantia: Then, BritMan replied back.

imperial violets: _He_, replied back.

Constantia: What the fuck imperial? First we have to explain how we figured out that it was _him._

imperial violets: Who the fuck cares? It _was him._

Constantia: Because we are fucking writers and as writers it is our duty to tell a story how it should be told.

imperial violets: FINE! Then you tell the story since I'm getting way too ahead of myself.

Constantia: Fine, I will.

imperial violets: Fine.

Constantia: Anyways. _I _did some intense cyber stalking over the holidays and found out that BritMan's email was indeed British based. And found through his email that he did not have a Facebook or Twitter account to that name. Strange, isn't it?

imperial violets: Yes, very strange to say the least?

Constantia: So I investigated further.

imperial violets: And got no where. So, _I_ decided that this James Bond style of figuring out who it was wasn't working. Instead, I simply asked him who he was.

Constantia: I thought I was telling the story!

imperial violets: We are telling the story, and this is my part.

Constantia: Fine.

imperial violets: Fine. Anyway, BritMan replied back and told us that he was RPattz.

Constantia: I couldn't believe how naïve imperial violets was to actually believe that.

imperial violets: I wasn't! I asked for a photo and he sent one.

Constantia: Anyone can send a photo of RPattz! I'm the one that came up with the brilliant idea of sending one with a photo of him holding up that day's newspaper.

imperial violets: I couldn't believe that you had the audacity to treat him like a POW and asking him for a proof of life photo.

Constantia: He did send the photo, didn't he?

imperial violets: Yes he did. (sigh)

Constantia: Stop sighing! She's been for the past week. Are you going to finish the story or should I?

imperial violets: Maybe you should (sigh)

Constantia: Fine. Now that we have established that we were indeed contacted by him with proof.

imperial violets: Of life. (sigh)

Constantia: Shut up! If you do that one more time I will detach your keyboard!

imperial violets: Fine.

Constantia: Did you just sigh with that fine!?

imperial violets: Maybe.

Constantia: And for that reason we would like to say to our beloved readers that not only are you one-hundred-fifty-two times cooler than you were a few seconds ago. But also, by the theory of 7 degrees of separation, you are now only separated to our beloved Patty Cakes by two degrees.

RP: Stop calling me Patty Cakes!

Constantia/imperial violets: Fine!


	6. EPISODE VI: THE GREATEST MAN

**A/N: **

**Okay, I know this isn't about a duel like we had said we were going to write back in the endnote of Episode VI. The truth is, we tried writing it but it just wasn't working out the way we wanted. We had some serious writer's block and some seriously mediocre stuff so, eventually, we decided to move on to another one of our ideas. (That's why it has taken **_**so**_** long for us to post another Episode.)**

**Also, I would like to personally apologize. This chapter was posted a while back on iv's account and I have neglected to post it here. Sorry. So, for all you people who have me on author alert but not imperial violets… what are you waiting for?! She has some amazing stories. Go check her out! **

**So, I would like to thank all of our dedicated readers who I have made wait for so long as well as all of our new readers who are giving us a shot. **

**THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU**

**We appreciate your support **_**so**_** much and are absolute whores for your reviews so PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Well, we shall let you begin your reading. But first let us remind you that we do not own Rob Pattinson (although we want to) or any other thing we may have insinuated we own but in reality we do not own. You follow?**

**Much love,**

**Constantia & imperial violets**

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE VI: THE GREATEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED**

Business conventions always made me feel slightly nauseous. There were always too many sleazy old men wearing too much musky cologne hitting on everything with a uterus. _Lucky me._

I didn't know why my boss even sent me to these events. I always came back with a pissy attitude and a vendetta against him. He must have enjoyed making me miserable. _Sadistic bastard._

Anyway, my absolute, consuming despair as a result of the godforsaken convention is not the real story here. And, I promise, things did get better. Much, _much_ better.

The real story begins when I stumbled into my hotel room Wednesday night. I had just spent approximately 1 886 756 000 hours in a lecture called 'How To: Prepare a Lecture' where the lecturer couldn't open the PowerPoint and brought the wrong cue cards. I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to lie in my hotel room and watch trashy movies while eating the entire contents of the mini-fridge. I'll admit the conventions did have that one little perk.

I threw myself down onto the bed and buried my head into one of the overstuffed hotel pillows. It was heavenly. I felt as though I could stay there forever when suddenly I realized I couldn't. What I actually needed was to go out onto the balcony for a smoke… with a snack from the mini-fridge.

I stepped out on to the balcony and felt a cool breeze wrap around me. Everything was calm. I hadn't bothered to turn on the light in my room when I came in so I found myself sitting outside in the dark with the noise of city traffic like static in the background.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone's TV in one of the rooms diagonally across from where I was sitting. They had their lights on, their curtains drawn, and the sliding door wide open so I had a great view of the inside of their hotel room. However, the person inside was out of sight. I felt a little guilty. Like a Peeping Tom. But then I realized that this person had opened their world up to me. I wasn't sitting in a tree with a pair of binoculars.

I recognized the music coming from the other room. It was the music that played while a song loaded on Rock Band. _I can't believe some lucky son of a bitch has Rock Band in their room!_ I'm not sure whether it was jealousy or curiosity that made me stick around. It might have been both.

Then, my night _really_ made a turn for the better. A young guy, clad only in his boxer briefs, came into view and stood facing away from me with a Rock Band microphone in hand. He looked intense and ready to kick some serious Rock Band ass.

I recognized the song right away. The guy had taste.

_The Greatest Man That Ever Lived by Weezer._

The song began and he stood with his back to me as he cricked his neck and rolled his shoulders. I could tell he took Rock band seriously as he played out the first few notes on an imaginary piano.

When the siren began he suddenly spun around. His eyes were filled with passion and determination. He was… epic. _HOLY SHIT! HE WAS R PATTZ!_

My heart skipped about three and a half beats before I could gather my thoughts and my mind burst into super-Twi-mode. _I am watching Rob Pattinson… I am watching Rob Pattinson half naked!_ Suddenly my mind was full of questions: _Does this make me a peeping-tom? Should I look away? Is this wrong?... But it feels so right!_

Luckily, I snapped back to reality and my morality was put on hold. Rob was strutting towards me and everything else disappeared.

**You try to play cool  
Like you just don't care  
But soon I'll be playin' in your  
Underwear  
I'm like the mage  
With the magic spell  
You come like a dog  
When I ring yo' bell**

_His hand… Is he… Omigahd… That is so… hot… Ring my bell… Omigahd… Definitely _not_ an English gentleman!_

**I got the money  
And I got the fame**

My eyes were protruding from my head as Rob began to grind his hips in mid-air.

**You got the hots  
To ride on my plane  
You givin' me all  
That I desire  
'Cos down with me  
I'm taking you higher**

_PLEASE! Take me higher!_

I watched as Rob began to do some serious head-banging throughout the next verse. It was enthralling how he would jump up and down as he talked about the girls and did some kind of strange move where he 'air-slapped' someone to mess up their face. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a turn on. But it was.

**I'm the baddest of the bad  
I'm the best that you've ever had  
I'm the tops, I'm the king  
All the girls get up when I sing, yeah  
I'm the meanest in the place  
Step up, I'll mess with your face  
I don't care where you are  
Look up and follow the star.**

In the movies you see RPattz's body. You think you know RPattz's body. Then you see him flex as he points up to the heavens, urging you to follow the star. And you know it was a lie. He is _so_ much better.

Rob completely changed his approach for the next part. His face softened and he had the palm of his right hand raised up, facing upward like an R&B star. He was so gentle.

**I, I'm gonna tear down the wall  
I may not be here when you call  
So best be givin' me your all.**

I almost lost sight of Rob as he spun around and jumped up onto his bed. If I wasn't watching Rob so intently I might have stopped to be terrified as I practically hung off the balcony in order to get proper view of him as he marched in place.

**After the havoc that I'm gonna wreak  
No more words will critics have to speak  
I've got the answers to the tangled knot  
Sleep tight in your cot.**

He threw himself to his knees on the floor in one great leap! _God, it's better than payperview!_ His eyes closed as his sung his heart out, curving his back as though he'd been punched in the stomach when the passion of the song became too much to bear.

_Thank you Jesus!_

**Oh baby,  
I've been told I'm goin' crazy.  
Oh baby,  
I can't be held down.  
Oh baby,  
Somehow I'm keeping it steady.  
Oh baby,  
I'm tearing up this town.**

As Rob began to run and jump around his room I attempted to join him in the limited balcony space at my disposal. The energy was so high it was euphoric! _I love Weezer!_

**Hey, this is what I like  
Cut my heart with a modern spike.  
Hey, this is nothing new  
I've got more than enough for you.**

I hid as best I could behind the small plastic lawn chair on the balcony when Rob threw himself out the opening of the sliding doors and onto the railing of his balcony. _Please don't notice me. Please don't stop!_ Luckily, he did neither. I watched as he put on his X rated show for, what he believed, was an imaginary audience.

**I can take on anybody  
I can do my thing  
I don't wanna hurt nobody  
But a bee has gotta string  
I'ma fix it if you mix it up (Hoo, hoo) **_Cue pelvic thrust._**  
Talk smack, and I'ma gonna shut you up. (Hoo, hoo) **_God, this guy could put Elvis to shame._

Unfortunately, he headed inside. Fortunately, I still had a great view.

**I am the greatest man that ever lived  
I was born to give. **Rob slowly lowered a fist in a moment of true passion.**(I was born to give.)  
I am the greatest man that ever lived, oh  
Radioactive**

This is the moment Rob spoke to me. Well, it felt as though he were speaking to me. _How does he do that?_

**Somebody said all the world's a stage,  
And each of us is a player.  
That's what I've been tryin to tell you.  
In Act 1 I was struggling to survive.  
Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.  
Act 2, I hit the big time.  
And bodies be all up on my behind.  
And I can't help myself because I was born to shine.  
And if you don't like it, you can shove it.  
But you don't like it, you love it.  
So I'll be up here in a rage,  
'Til they bring the curtain down on the stage.**

My heart melted… so did my brain.

**I'm the greatest man that ever lived...**

Not just anyone can make choral singing _that_ sexy.

**I'm the greatest man that ever lived...  
I'm the greatest man that ever lived...**

**I am the greatest man that ever lived  
I was born to give and give and give.**

_Oohhhh… _I almost blacked out as Rob thrust to the music.

**I am the greatest man that ever lived  
Radioa, Dioa, Dioa, Dioactive,**

**I am the greatest man that ever lived.  
I was born to give**

In his finale Rob began to throw himself onto and jump off of all the furniture in his room. He even tore the lamp shade off the lamp on the bedside table and threw it across the room. He eventually calmed down as the song came to an end and plunked himself down onto the bed, obviously pleased with himself.

In a moment of boldness I stood and began to clap and _woot_ as loud as I possibly could, screaming for an encore. In an instant the smile disappeared from his face and he threw himself towards the far wall and hit the lights. Everything was plunged into darkness. RPattz was gone.

I went back inside and a few minutes peaked threw my curtains only to see that the door had been closed and the curtains drawn in what I knew to be Rob's room. Nonetheless, I fell asleep easily and my subconscious filled my head with the most appealing dreams.

_Knock knock knock._

"Room service."

I crawled out of bed looking forward to the blueberry pancakes I had ordered for myself. It seemed like the perfect way to proceed a perfect night. A fluffy breakfast covered in real Canadian maple syrup was exactly what I needed.

I opened the door and a small, walrus-like man was looking up at me.

"Your breakfast, ma'am."

"Thank you."

I held the door open as the gentleman pushed the cart into my room.

"Also," he added, "This was outside your door. I took the liberty of picking it up for you."

He handed me a small, white, folded sheet of paper. It was written on the hotel's stationary and, for the life of me, I could not guess who would have left it. Maybe it was the old guy with the pierced ears from the conference that tried to join me in the elevator the night before?

Itching with curiosity I quickly unfolded the paper.

"Have a good day, ma'am." The gentleman said as he left my room.

"I will."

_To the girl in Rm917,_

_Encore tonight 10:00_

**E/N: **

**Soooooooo? Whadyathink? Worth reviewing? Will you humor us and review anyway? Please? Pretty Please?**

**Now, go into your iTunes Library or go on YouTube and listen to The Greatest Man That Ever Lived by Weezer. Listen to it and imagine Rob in his underwear! **


End file.
